Growing older

It's official.  Bean is 3 years old.  Birdie is 3 months old.  And in 3 days, I'll be 33 years old.  So many threes.  Time is marching along.  We had a wonderful party for Bean on Saturday at our local park.  She played outside for hours on end, mostly with the grown ups who she seems to prefer to children.  We ate lots of food and I got to catch up with some folks that I haven't seen in a long time.  Birdie was a real champ.  She was her happy self the whole time and I even managed to get her two little naps in the midst of all the fun.

Three of my dearest friends, who are considered family at this point, were all here for the weekend and we had a wonderful time.  They helped (and so did Bean) paint the play room/guest room that will soon be Bean's room.  It's now a lovely shade of blue that she chose herself and we've been busily putting in new furniture and trying to move a lot of her toys with tiny pieces up there, as I know that Birdie will be on the move before we know it.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of it.  I know that I'm going to blink and the next thing I know I'll be planning Birdie's first birthday or Bean's fourth.  I'm rather happy about the fact that Bean's birthday is so close to mine.  I've been able to erase mine to a certain extent.  Between her birthday and mother's day (which is all about the grandma's at this point), my birthday kind of slips through the cracks and I'm ok with that.

It's not that I have huge issues with growing older in general, although I do have some anxiety about actually getting old. I do however have issues with my 30's.  In the beginning it was because I was fast approaching my 30's with no babies in sight.  Now it's the dreaded 35.  I'm nervous about trying to continue growing our family past 35 if it comes to that.  I feel like if my chances are limited now, they're only going to get worse then.  I also just think it's strange that I'm in my 30's at all.  I don't feel like it.  I feel like I just left college a few years ago.  I graduated on my birthday and so I always think of college when that day comes around.  It feels like yesterday and a decade ago at the same time.

Yesterday Bean and I were attempting to play with our pet rabbit.  She was having none of it.  I told Bean that we had to leave her alone if she wanted.  That she was an old lady and that she deserved as much.  Bean immediately started to get upset at the idea of our rabbit being old.  I couldn't figure out where it was coming from because death is not a subject we've discussed with her at this point.  Once the tears slowed, she was able to tell me that when things get old, we get rid of them and they go to live with someone else, and she didn't want that to happen to our rabbit.  She was clearly thinking of some of the old toys/clothes/etc that I donated and/or consigned.  I explained that while that's true with some things, the things that are truly special to us we never get rid of, not matter how old they are.

It made me think because I saw a clear equation with what she was saying to death.  And that felt peaceful to me in a certain way.  I'll be totally honest here.  Death scares me.  I grew up in a religious family, going to church.  I believe in life after death, but I don't know anything about it and the unknown scares me.  The idea of being away from the people I love for however long, scares me.  The idea of not being there for my girls, terrifies me.  I only hope I'm lucky enough to get old first.  That we all are.  But somehow thinking of it in those terms, that we get to a place in life where we aren't needed anymore and we go on to be somewhere else where we are, it felt easier.  And that no matter what, to the people that we were truly special to, we will never really be gone.

I'm not sure how this post about celebrating life turned into one about death.  Maybe because they're always intertwined.  Maybe because I popped over to Mel's post in the middle of writing this one.  I'm not sure.  As hard as it is to watch the time flying by though sometimes, I'm thankful for it.  I'm thankful for birthday's.  For watching my girls change and grow.  Because I'm not ready for the alternative for any of us.  I still feel needed here and I certainly know that they are.  So I'm thankful for another year, for growing older, and for being here long enough for the next step to not seem so scary anymore.