Sorry it took me so long to update about our ultrasound. Life keeps moving along at a faster pace even though I wish it to slow down as much as I can. I won't keep you in suspense though, everything is wonderful. It was the best doctors appointment that I've had in a long time. Partially because the perinatologist that we saw is one of the best doctors that I've seen in a long time.
The ultrasound itself started off a little rocky. The tech asked me if I had to use the bathroom a lot which I of course said yes to. Then I asked why she was asking and she mentioned that the baby was pretty low down and that she couldn't actually see my cervix (!?!?!). Not the best thing to say to an anxious pregnant woman. So I was tense through the first part of the scan until the tech announced that she had indeed located my cervix and that it looked just fine. The rest of the time hubby and I just sat back and enjoyed seeing our little one on the big screen. S/he wasn't as cooperative as Bean was at 20 weeks. She must have been in the perfect position. This little one was on it's belly with it's head down, so they had a hard time seeing everything that they wanted to see, and the photos we got this time are much more entertaining then they were last time. It was so fun to see our little one bopping around in there again!
After the scan the doctor came in and he was just fantastic. First, he told us how wonderful everything looked. My arteries have opened up and I'm no longer considered abnormal (!!!!) so I can stop taking the aspirin (!!!!). There are no signs of birth defects or indications that this baby is anything but perfectly healthy. We're so relieved. He talked over all of my issues with us, which was great. Most doctors either have no idea what half of my problems are, or they just kind of gloss over it all. I take everything very seriously and so did he.
He even said that he's telling my OB that I should have scans again at 28 and 35 weeks. This wasn't something that happened in my first pregnancy and I was so anxious going from 20 weeks to the day Bean was born before I saw her again. When I mentioned this he basically said that everything was perfect now, but that I did have risk factors and that he wouldn't feel comfortable just assuming that everything would be okay from here on out. Then he said that this is an IUI pregnancy, it's a precious, hard earned pregnancy and he wants to make sure to do all he can to deliver what we've worked so hard for. I didn't know if I should hug him or just burst into tears. He was the most personable doctor that I've experienced in all of my infertility and pregnancy journeys. It finally felt like somebody understood and it was such a wonderful feeling. Really wonderful.
It was a wonderful day and we've been riding the high from it for the last week. I'm planning on trying to ride that as far as I possibly can. Finally, until I have a reason to believe otherwise, I'm going on the belief that this baby is okay and that we're all going to be okay. Viability will of course be another wonderful milestone to hit. I'm just so thankful. For good news and for the kind man who delivered it.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Feeling normal, momentarily
I was at story hour with Bean today and happened to overhear two of the other moms talking. I hadn't noticed until that moment that they were pregnant, even though I saw them at the first session last week, which kind of amazed me because usually I zone in on pregnant people. They were talking about the sex of their babies and if they were finding out or not. One had two boys already and the other had one. They were both talking about how everyone kept thinking they must want a girl. And the one mom said something about how she just wanted a baby and what a gift that was. In that moment, I felt so connected to that mom. I'd spoken to her briefly before, and I wished then that I was better at making friends with people I didn't really know because those words told me a lot about who she is as a parent, and I can relate.
Somehow I managed to find my way into their conversation (which is impressive because I'm not good at those things) and we discovered that we're all due within a month of each other. For the next little while we just sat there talking about pregnancy things, and it felt natural. I felt like a normal person. I didn't once have the urge to blurt out that I'm broken and can't make babies on my own or that I had a miscarriage once and it makes me terrified often during pregnancy. When I mentioned my 20 week ultrasound today (can you believe it??), I didn't even have the urge to add anything about my messed up arteries that can't seem to get enough blood where it needs to go (which I'm hoping have magically fixed themselves). I just talked like a normal person. Told the funny story of hubby trying to announce in the operating room whether Bean was a boy or a girl (he was a bit flustered) and I belonged. For a minute.
Then I came home, got Bean lunch and down for a nap, did a bunch of things around the house and sat down for a minute before it's time to go to this ultrasound. And I started thinking and worrying. Hoping that this afternoon will be fun and put our minds at ease instead of giving me more to worry about. It is reassuring feeling this little baby bopping around in my belly now, but seeing him or her, knowing for sure what's happening and what that means, it's something totally different. And then I felt like myself again. Kind of broken.
And for a minute it made me sad. Sad that I can't be normal and just find peace and joy in every moment of my pregnancies. That I can't always be the one busting out a funny story. But that didn't last either. I am who I am. My life has made me this way, infertility has made me this way, and I cherish every single moment of who I am and what I'm doing right now, even the hard ones and the broken ones, and sometimes the normal feeling ones. So I'm going into today with the hope that all will be well and that this baby growing inside me will stay put for a long time and be as healthy as can be when it's born. I know there's a possibility that my reality in a few hours or weeks or months could be very different, but I'll figure that out when it comes.
Somehow I managed to find my way into their conversation (which is impressive because I'm not good at those things) and we discovered that we're all due within a month of each other. For the next little while we just sat there talking about pregnancy things, and it felt natural. I felt like a normal person. I didn't once have the urge to blurt out that I'm broken and can't make babies on my own or that I had a miscarriage once and it makes me terrified often during pregnancy. When I mentioned my 20 week ultrasound today (can you believe it??), I didn't even have the urge to add anything about my messed up arteries that can't seem to get enough blood where it needs to go (which I'm hoping have magically fixed themselves). I just talked like a normal person. Told the funny story of hubby trying to announce in the operating room whether Bean was a boy or a girl (he was a bit flustered) and I belonged. For a minute.
Then I came home, got Bean lunch and down for a nap, did a bunch of things around the house and sat down for a minute before it's time to go to this ultrasound. And I started thinking and worrying. Hoping that this afternoon will be fun and put our minds at ease instead of giving me more to worry about. It is reassuring feeling this little baby bopping around in my belly now, but seeing him or her, knowing for sure what's happening and what that means, it's something totally different. And then I felt like myself again. Kind of broken.
And for a minute it made me sad. Sad that I can't be normal and just find peace and joy in every moment of my pregnancies. That I can't always be the one busting out a funny story. But that didn't last either. I am who I am. My life has made me this way, infertility has made me this way, and I cherish every single moment of who I am and what I'm doing right now, even the hard ones and the broken ones, and sometimes the normal feeling ones. So I'm going into today with the hope that all will be well and that this baby growing inside me will stay put for a long time and be as healthy as can be when it's born. I know there's a possibility that my reality in a few hours or weeks or months could be very different, but I'll figure that out when it comes.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
A complicated thing
I've been trying to figure out how to talk about last weekend. I can't quite figure out what I want to say or how I want to say it. And I've been busy dealing with the aftermath of my trip. Bean has been seriously out of sorts. We've had more temper tantrums since I got home then I think we've had in her whole life. I don't know if it was just that I was gone and this made her brain think about things it never had thought about before or if she's just tired or had a different diet then usual. I don't know exactly what, but she's not herself and while she is "recovering" from it, it's been a bit of an overwhelming week.
The trip that I went on last weekend was with my college girlfriends. We graduated ten years ago (which is so hard to believe) and have not only stayed friends but actually have grown to be better friends I think. Which I have to say is pretty amazing, because for most of that time we all lived in different places and had very different lives. Every year though we got together at least once and tried to do more if we could. Once I got married (I'm the only one who is), they welcomed hubby in with open arms (they'd known him all along but it was nice to have him included in our get togethers that used to be for just us) and we had less time on our visits that were just for the girls. A dinner out usually but that's about it. The last time we all were together on a get away, just the four of us, was well before Bean was born. We were busy planning something for all of us, including hubby and Bean, in December, but when I realized that I would be due the end of January, that went out the window. So we rescheduled and ended up with a weekend about six hours away from my house, just the four of us.
During the planning stages, this seemed like a fine idea but the closer it got the harder it became to actually think about doing it. It's not that I don't love my friends, I do very much. And I know how lucky I am to have college friends that have become life long friends. Not even friends, I consider them my family at this point. They are the sisters I never had. I don't really know how to explain it without sounding like I don't appreciate my friends or the relationships that we have developed, which means I haven't been talking about it. But I need to talk about it a little. I just have realized over the last few years since Bean came along, that she and hubby are my favorite people in the world. And that if I have the choice, I would always rather have them with me or be where they are, then be without them. There are moments sometimes when I remember what it was like to go out to eat and not have to base my order on what a toddler would eat some of, or how long it's going to take me to eat it, or some other factor. And there are times when I do long for adult company and conversation. But I always feel like I can find ways to balance that into my life without having to completely separate myself from my family. More then anything, I want to be with them all the time, and no matter how much fun I might be having or how much I might be enjoying the people I'm with, being without them is like having a hole in my heart and I just can't ignore that.
All that to say that while it was wonderful to see my friends and all be together again, it was really hard for me. Two of us drove up together so I was without a car, and I may have looked up train schedules the first night in case I wanted to make a quick getaway home. I made it through the weekend though and it wasn't without it's benefits. I had the chance to enjoy lots of adult conversation, eat tons of food a toddler wouldn't touch, reconnect with my dear friends, and even shop at a variety of stores for as long as I wanted (although all I bought were things for Bean). Hubby had the chance to see what it's like to be on your own with a toddler for an extended period. He got to enjoy being with Bean all the time and when I got home he was very appreciative and aware of all the things I do on a regular basis. And Bean made it through too. She got to see that the world doesn't end when I'm not there and that I do come back. She had fun with her daddy, I'm sure got spoiled, and generally had a fun, although also tempered weekend. There really wasn't anything bad about it so to say, but it left us all feeling a little incomplete for awhile and I'm not sure we've all recovered from it yet. Maybe I'm strange, I don't know, but I like being with my family. No, I love being with my family. And that's always what I would choose if life wasn't somewhat complicated. In the end, I'm okay with all of that, and all I can do is hope that the other people I share my life with, who I also consider to be family in one way or another, understand. I do wish though that I had a better way of explaining it all.
The trip that I went on last weekend was with my college girlfriends. We graduated ten years ago (which is so hard to believe) and have not only stayed friends but actually have grown to be better friends I think. Which I have to say is pretty amazing, because for most of that time we all lived in different places and had very different lives. Every year though we got together at least once and tried to do more if we could. Once I got married (I'm the only one who is), they welcomed hubby in with open arms (they'd known him all along but it was nice to have him included in our get togethers that used to be for just us) and we had less time on our visits that were just for the girls. A dinner out usually but that's about it. The last time we all were together on a get away, just the four of us, was well before Bean was born. We were busy planning something for all of us, including hubby and Bean, in December, but when I realized that I would be due the end of January, that went out the window. So we rescheduled and ended up with a weekend about six hours away from my house, just the four of us.
During the planning stages, this seemed like a fine idea but the closer it got the harder it became to actually think about doing it. It's not that I don't love my friends, I do very much. And I know how lucky I am to have college friends that have become life long friends. Not even friends, I consider them my family at this point. They are the sisters I never had. I don't really know how to explain it without sounding like I don't appreciate my friends or the relationships that we have developed, which means I haven't been talking about it. But I need to talk about it a little. I just have realized over the last few years since Bean came along, that she and hubby are my favorite people in the world. And that if I have the choice, I would always rather have them with me or be where they are, then be without them. There are moments sometimes when I remember what it was like to go out to eat and not have to base my order on what a toddler would eat some of, or how long it's going to take me to eat it, or some other factor. And there are times when I do long for adult company and conversation. But I always feel like I can find ways to balance that into my life without having to completely separate myself from my family. More then anything, I want to be with them all the time, and no matter how much fun I might be having or how much I might be enjoying the people I'm with, being without them is like having a hole in my heart and I just can't ignore that.
All that to say that while it was wonderful to see my friends and all be together again, it was really hard for me. Two of us drove up together so I was without a car, and I may have looked up train schedules the first night in case I wanted to make a quick getaway home. I made it through the weekend though and it wasn't without it's benefits. I had the chance to enjoy lots of adult conversation, eat tons of food a toddler wouldn't touch, reconnect with my dear friends, and even shop at a variety of stores for as long as I wanted (although all I bought were things for Bean). Hubby had the chance to see what it's like to be on your own with a toddler for an extended period. He got to enjoy being with Bean all the time and when I got home he was very appreciative and aware of all the things I do on a regular basis. And Bean made it through too. She got to see that the world doesn't end when I'm not there and that I do come back. She had fun with her daddy, I'm sure got spoiled, and generally had a fun, although also tempered weekend. There really wasn't anything bad about it so to say, but it left us all feeling a little incomplete for awhile and I'm not sure we've all recovered from it yet. Maybe I'm strange, I don't know, but I like being with my family. No, I love being with my family. And that's always what I would choose if life wasn't somewhat complicated. In the end, I'm okay with all of that, and all I can do is hope that the other people I share my life with, who I also consider to be family in one way or another, understand. I do wish though that I had a better way of explaining it all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)