Glad that's over

Well, things got worse before they got better.  Remember when I foolishly said that I wasn't really having any pain from the surgery itself?  I guess it just needed time to get going because soon after I posted last, I started feeling very crampy and bleeding quite a bit.  Enough that I was starting to get nervous.  And kind of weird feeling.  Light headed, tired, still sick to my stomach.  I thought it was all from the anesthesia or from not having any caffeine for days, but hubby started to get worried and I promised that if the bleeding didn't slow down by Saturday I'd call the doctor.

You see, they give you such vague parameters.  If you're bleeding through a pad in an hour, call.  Well, what kind of pad?  What constitutes bleeding through?  Because I normally don't wait until we've gotten to that point before I switch to a new one.  (Sorry if this is all TMI)  I didn't start to get worried until late on Friday and of course at that point, the office was closed.  I knew I could call and talk to someone and they could page my doctor, etc, but it didn't feel that bad.  I kept thinking that I'd bled that much before like when I had my miscarriage or after Bean was born.  Then I realized something Saturday morning.  When I bled those times it was because there was blood built up that had to go somewhere, it wasn't because I had just had surgery and was possibly losing blood that should be flowing through my veins.  Not so smart huh.  Anyway, just when I put all these things together and was about to call my doctor it slowed down considerably.

It took another 24 hours, a long nap, and a dinner of red meat that hubby insisted on making me for me to feel more normal again, but I'm there.  I'm going to talk to my doctor about it at my post-op appointment coming up, but for now I'm just thankful that things seem to be getting better.  I haven't felt out of sorts for that long since my c-section and I realized just how hard it is to try to be a mama when you're not at your best.  Heck, it's hard enough when you are.  It has me a little nervous because the first time I had this surgery I thought it was one and done.  But here I am again and according to my doctor, if you have irregular cycles then you're more prone to polyps.  So I could end up back here again.  Which I wouldn't be super thrilled about.

Anyway, the good news for now is that I'm on the mend and hubby has been SUPER amazing.  I'm continually reminded of new ways I can love him.  Like when I woke up from my nap yesterday on the couch and saw him in the living room surrounded by the worlds largest pile of folded laundry.  He seriously must have washed every piece of dirty laundry in the house and folded it all.  It might sound silly, but I was overcome with love for him at that moment.  It helped too that Bean was right there too "helping" him and he was loving it.  It was a good moment at the end of some not so good days and I'm glad to be on the other side.

Recovering

Well, the last week has been nutty.  My parents officially live here.  The movers have come and gone, and left a million boxes.  We've been trying to figure out this whole living close to each other thing and it's had it's difficulties but has actually been going pretty well.  And yesterday, I had my hysteroscopy.

That, was not so much fun.  I mean, as far as surgeries go, it's an easy one for sure.  But compared to my last hysteroscopy, it was really different.  Last time I had the hysteroscopy and was pretty much fine by that evening.  I had some discomfort from the catheter that they put in, but otherwise was fine.  We actually ended up having to drive about 5 hours to my in-laws because my father-in-law was really sick and I was fine to make the trip.  I have no idea if it makes a difference or not but last time I was just having my septum made smaller (For those of you who don't know, a septum is a growth of tissue that divides the uterus from the top down.  It can be problematic if an embryo tries to implant there because there isn't enough blood supply to support a growing baby.) and this time I was having a polyp removed and the doctor took a little more off my septum.

Anyway, for whatever reason it kicked my butt a bit this time.  One of my friends took me up for the surgery which was super nice because hubby was home with Bean and it was great to have someone sit and wait with me.  Although I did feel bad when they started asking questions about things like my last bowel movement.  I mean we're good friends, but that's one thing we don't usually share.  Everything was going well, the nurses were fantastic, my doctor was great, but when I was all done I felt yucky.  I swear last time they just sedated me and this time they used general anesthesia.  They also gave me some pain medicine after I woke up because I was feeling a little crampy (although I think a couple over the counter pain meds would have done the trick) and I immediately felt sick to my stomach.  The anti-nausea stuff they gave me next didn't really do the trick so I was having a hard time, and still am to some degree, with that.

Since everything went so smoothly last time, hubby thought he'd be kind and bring Bean up to sit with me while I had my juice and crackers before they sent me home.  He had no idea I'd be as out of it as I was and feeling so yucky.  So it was a little tricky trying to interact with her at the hospital, but we got through and went home and I slept for most of the evening and night last night.  I feel better today but still not great.  I had told hubby that he should be able to go back to work and that was foolish of me.  I really needed him here today and luckily he was able to make that happen.  I just still feel a bit off.  My head hurts, my throat hurts where the breathing tube was, I'm uncomfortable because of the catheter, and I still feel kind of foggy and slightly nauseous.  I'm hoping by the time I wake up tomorrow, I'm back to my usual self.  We'll see.  I seem to be improving a bit all day.

Tomorrow I have to start taking estrogen for 5 days or so to help everything heal.  Amazingly, I have no real pain from the surgery itself, which is wonderful.  We have to sit out a cycle to wait for everything to heal so I'm guessing we'll be back in the game around May.  That's a good month for us though.  Bean's birthday, my birthday, hubby and my anniversary, and the anniversary of our little pup-pup joining the family are all in May.  I feel like good things happen that month.  So I'm going to focus on resting, healing, and being ready when the time comes.  Because really, there isn't anything else I can do right now.

Still Standing

But mainly because it hurts less then sitting does.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Thanks for the words of encouragement, it's been a bit of a tough time.  A lot has happened so I'm going to update you real quick via some bullets and then hopefully have time to work on another post that's rolling around in my head.

- My parents came to visit to look at the apartment here that we found them.  They had some health problems pop up that made the trip a bit of a challenge and gave me a taste of what's to come.  We were making it through until the last day when my mom took a tumble coming up our front steps and took my dad down with her.  I still have traumatic thoughts from that episode.  All seemed fine following until...

-My dad ended up in the hospital a little less then a week later with a bacterial infection in his leg where he scraped it during the fall.  Both my parents are diabetics and this caused problems that wouldn't have happened otherwise.  He was in the hospital for almost a week and is now continuing to recover at home but...

-They needed a lot of help because all this happened at a critical time in the moving process.  Their house should be sold within a week or so, the movers came and started packing and emptying last week and by the end of this week, they'll live here.  So we went up for an extended period of time to help as much as we could.  It was tough with Bean and we're all exhausted, but happy that this phase is almost complete.

-Now we just have to focus on the transition.  We went through it when my MIL moved here and we all survived, so I know that we will this time too.  It's not that I don't want my parents close, I do, it's just going to change our lives dramatically and we're all going to have to figure out what that looks like.  It's going to take time, and some work, but we'll get there and I'm positive that it will all be better in the end.

-In the meantime, hubby and I both managed to injure ourselves.  He hurt his knee playing basketball and I severely bruised my tailbone, which is surprisingly painful if you've never done it.  We weren't at our best but tried to hold it together with sheer determination and lots of ad.vil.  Add a cold for Bean on top of all that and you can understand why I've disappeared for the last few weeks.  Not only has life been crazy, but it's been too painful to sit at the computer and type!  Luckily we're all on the mend though.

-I had my pre-op appointment today for my hysteroscopy which is next week.  The doctor offered, like she did last time, to do a laparoscopy just to look around and make sure that everything looked okay in there before we try making babies again.  I turned her down last time and I did this time again.  Maybe it's dumb, she's going to be there checking things out anyway, but I got pregnant once before and I'm hoping that everything in there is still working well enough to make that happen again.  I'll be kicking myself if I have to have yet another operation down the road to do exactly what I told her not to this time, but oh well.  I feel like it's the right thing to do.  So next week they remove the polyp, and possibly shorten my septum some more and then we wait and see how things look and hopefully can get the ball rolling again on trying for number two.

So I think that's the big stuff in a nutshell.  I have a lot on my mind that will be coming in less newsy and more thoughful posts, I just need life to slow down for a moment so that I can write it all down.  There's been a lot going on in our community while I've been gone though and I've got some things to say about it.  Hope everyone is well and I'm SO happy to be back!

Bumps in the road

Things seem like they've gone off track a bit.  Nothing quite seems to be going right.  I'm worn out by aspects of life that I keep starting posts about and never get a chance to finish.  All of this is making it hard to do the things well that I want to.  Like being Bean's mama.  Our sleep problems returned full force.  The week of her going to sleep by herself was blissful and felt like a hard won victory.  Then it just stopped and is worse then it was before.  I feel like everything I do about it is wrong.  I'm struggling in the one area that I usually feel like I'm doing pretty well.  I may not know how to be the daughter of aging parents, or how to tackle trying to conceive at the RE's with a toddler, or even how to find time for my husband when I have the demands of so many others laying in front of me, but the one thing I always felt like I was doing a good job of was being Bean's mama.  And now I don't feel like I'm doing that well either.  I'm not sure what I need.  A night off maybe, or just a week without something bad seeming to happen.  I don't know.  I'm down obviously and I know that in the grand scheme of things, life is good, and I'm thankful.  I'm just struggling and instead of sitting here in silence because I don't have time to explain myself, I wanted to at least let you all know an idea of what's going on.  And hopefully things will quiet down a bit and I can write more in detail, because I really need it.

All done...for now.

Well, the whole thing today wasn't so bad.  The sonogram itself wasn't that bad, except for having people up in my business for longer then they normally would be on a monitoring day.  Hubby is currently making Bean lunch and I'm hanging out on the couch with a little cramping, but really not bad at all.  I won't get the official word on everything until my doctor returns to the office next week and looks at the pictures, but the nurse practitioner told me what she thought.  She was actually really great.  She wasn't there the last time I did all this.  She showed me all the pictures though and explained what we were looking at and what it meant.  Essentially she thinks I have a polyp that's kind of low down in my uterus and is gumming up the works.  My period isn't normal because the polyp is kind of blocking the exit.  So she thinks that the doctor will want to do a hysteroscopy to go in and take it out.  I asked if it could be something else or if I should worry for my own health.  She seemed confident that it was most likely a polyp which she said are usually benign.  The surgery is scheduled tentatively for the middle of next month.  I feel like they wouldn't wait that long if they had seen something really concerning, so I'm convincing myself that all this is no big deal, just another road block to once again delay the start of our journey towards (hopefully) another baby.  I've had a hsyteroscopy before and know what to expect so I'm not too worried about that.  And I feel incredibly lucky to have people to help out if I need it.  So I'm trying to put my fears to rest for now.  I'll feel better when this is all over, but being a worried mess until the middle of March isn't going to fix anything, so I'm going to do my best to go on as normal.  And I'm going to enjoy the next few minutes of being able to lay on the couch in the middle of the day while I can.  That is something that certainly doesn't happen very often.  Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and well wishes.  I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Exhausted

I forgot how exhausting it is to worry so much.  To be uncertain of what's ahead.  I have worried since Bean was born, but not as much in this way and not along with the feeling that I have no control over the situation.  I've reverted back to things I used to do three years ago when we were still trying to get pregnant.  I've lost motivation to do things I want to do.  I don't really have a huge desire to talk to the people in my life that I care about and that care about me.  It worries me a little bit because I thought I would be able to handle all this differently this time.  And if this just related to my ability to have more babies, I still feel like I would be able to.  I'm worried about more then that though.  About my health in general, although my doctor has given me no reason to.  I have worn myself out with worry and all I want to do is sleep.  I am so very thankful that this test is happening tomorrow and that I will hopefully have some answers.  I can deal with situations much better once I know what I'm tackling.  This not knowing part is what I have trouble with.  So I'm hoping that tomorrow will go smoothly.  I'm not too worried about the actual test, although maybe I should be more.  I kind of figure it can't be worse then the dye test that I had years ago.  I just want it to be over, and to know what's ahead.  Oh, and to snuggle Bean and just be a mama again.  I also, want to stop bleeding.  That would be nice too.  Thank you all for your support and well wishes.  Here's hoping I'm just being a worrier once again.

Abnormally Abnormal

I've gotten used to the fact that I'm abnormal when it comes to making babies.  I've even gotten used to my particular kind of abnormal.  I know well enough not to expect anything to work a certain way, and yet I have come to depend upon the broken ways that I work.  Anyway, all that to say I was really surprised when my period started a week and a half after it stopped.  That's not "normal" for me.  My periods almost always run long, not short.  I wasn't shocked when I went in on Friday and they told me that it seemed like things were somewhat amiss and while all my blood work made it look like I was right where I should be in my cycle, the lining of my uterus was too thick.  So I had to go back today to have things checked again, with the hope that things would look more "normal" then.

I knew pretty well when I went in today that it wouldn't be that easy.  My period still hasn't really kicked in.  It's still there, but not very heavy.  Well, according to the ultrasound my lining is actually thicker, but comprised of a lot of pooling blood and debris (sorry if that's too much info).  Which doesn't exactly sound good.  So the nurse told me she'd talk to the doctor and call me later.  When she called me later she said that my doctor was "concerned" by the fact that I had all of this stuff in my uterus but that it wasn't coming out.  So they want to do a saline infused sonogram on Thursday to look for polyps or fibroids or something.  And I'm kind of freaked out.

I can't give you a good reason as to why I'm freaked out, except that it's something new I wasn't expecting and it leads to a lot of questions and unknowns.  My nurse didn't seem too worried, just said that in the end I might need a hysteroscopy to remove some polyps.  I've had a hysteroscopy before when I had my septum removed, so I know it's no big deal.  But do they ever tell you if there is something bigger to be worried about?

I keep thinking about all these different things.  The pulling sensation I had in my side last week when I was holding Bean.  The c-section that I had after she was born.  The fact that I've been slow going about getting my pap smear done this year.  My friend whose coworker had her second baby and immediately found out she was in a late stage of uterine cancer.  It's the not knowing, the things being different and unexpected that are making me worry.

My brain is all over the place and of course, I don't have that luxury.  Bean ran full speed into the corner of a desk right before her nap, narrowly missing her eye, because my brain is full to overflowing and my stomach is doing summersaults.  I can't allow myself to be distracted, and yet I am.  My instinct is to shut down and shut everyone out.  Cancel everything I have this week with people I care about, people I have to talk to, people I can't explain anything to because I don't know anything.  It's so tempting.

I know this will most likely be no big deal.  Just another hurdle and speed bump to our family building process.  But as I've said before, there's part of me that feels like I"m living this miraculous dream as Bean's mama and I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to have a very rude awakening any day now.  I'm thinking some scary things, about my own health, about my ability to make any more babies.  And when I was younger, even early in my 20's, when I felt scared like that, I wanted to envelop myself in my mother's arms.  I wanted to be home and safe and have someone else take care of the world for me.  Now I want to envelop myself in Bean because she's one of the only things that makes me feel totally in this moment instead of worrying about all of the ones ahead.  I need each of these moments here with her, I need many many more of them.  I need to just get to be abnormally me for a change instead of somehow extra broken.  I just pray I'm easily fixed.